The M&Ms Tournament of Champions

From back in August. Another example of the shit I come up with to keep my mind occupied…

Back in July, I started walking to get some exercise when I found out I could download Google Fit on my phone and keep track of the steps I took. I made a discovery:
I barely move all day.

No shocker there. My job requires me to sit and watch monitors all day. So, I started walking around my apartment building’s parking lot when I got home from work. I soon found out it doesn’t take long to do the amount of activity Google and the American Heart Association have determined to be a healthy amount of activity. I go by Heart Points, which are one point per minute of activity in which I take one hundred steps or more. That’s not much. In fact, I did that rate back in high school marching band. I often play the old fight song in my head because the tempo was 120 beats per minute.

I decided to walk in the Metro Parks today. I had the day off and nothing else to do until my kid’s band camp let out, and the walk around the parking lot was getting boring.  The park also has a nice paved all-purpose trail for bikes and walkers. Tons of trees for shade, and plenty of animals. I saw deer, which is not unusual in the suburbs, but one of them was a six-point buck. He just watched me walk by, and I imagined he was Herne the Hunter, blessing me and my travels in nature…

And that’s how we get to the M&Ms™. Awareness of my surroundings isn’t very difficult, so my imagination takes over. Continue reading

My (Possible) Brush With Jesus

How Catholic guilt lead to a $3,000 car repair.

There I was, the Monday night before Easter, warming a stool at Jimmy’s. Jimmy’s on Monday nights, watching Monday Night Raw with the lovely Heather, bartender extraordinaire, was becoming a tradition. With my work schedule, Monday is my Friday, so, there you have it.

This wasn’t just the Monday before Easter. It was the Monday before the court date on Wednesday to finalize the divorce. Quite possibly the last Monday/Friday night out I was going to get in a while once child support and shared parenting began. I was hoping to make the night last, but seeing as it was just me and Heather, and the final hour of Raw was starting, that hope was fleeting.


Then Jim walked in. Not the Jimmy the bar’s namesake. White dude, ball cap, mid thirties, wearing a landscaping t shirt. He was already sporting a tan from working, even that early in April. He sat a few stools down, ordered a drink, and started playing Keno. He asked if we always watched wrestling on Monday nights, and casually joined in our conversation.


After a bit, Jim went and checked his Keno numbers. That’s when the fun began. Continue reading

Stupid Images That Pop into My Head and Give Me a Laugh: 06/18/19

Been a while since I’ve posted. Sorry about that. Life got in the way. Changed the title of the blog, but I’m still ordinary and average.

I got to the counter and Wayne, the guy taking orders, said, “Hey Bro, what’ll it be?”

“I’ll take the chicken special I saw on the sign by the gas pumps.”

Wayne turned and shouted to the kitchen, “Brocephus! I need an eight-piece for my bro here.”

“Coming’ right up, Brofessor.”

When I got home, I opened the clamshell container and found eight Tyson chicken patties and a couple of Kraft singles, still in the wrapper. I dunno. Maybe I’ve watched too much Food Network, but, I had a totally different idea of what broasted chicken meant.

My First #SlapDashSat: 09-08-18

Just trying out new toys I find on the internet.

I found a writing game on Twitter called #SlapDashSat.  You can search the hashtag, or, check out the main page @SlapDashSat.  There is no theme, no rules, just free form writing.  Just whatever happens to cross your mind at the moment.

A lot of what I read reminded me of conversations from a Tarantino movie.  You know what I mean.  The conversations where the characters just seem to be bullshitting to pass the time.  I like Tarantino movies, so, I figured, what the hell.

And then my mind went blank.

I turned to my trusty fortune cookie fortune collection and found this gem:

Always stick around for one more drink. That’s when stuff happens.

I thought of a quick scene.  I’ll admit it: I didn’t go straight to Twitter with my scene.  I roughed it out, did some editing, walked away from it, came back, cut some stuff, rinse and repeat.  I got the scene into a form I liked and went with it.  

Brevity escaped me that day.  Ah, well.  Some people liked it.  That’s cool.  I posted it late in the evening, so, some of the likes didn’t come in until the next Saturday.  That’s cool, too.  I tried it and I liked it and I’ll try it again.  

And I encourage you to check out the game @SlapDashSat.

P.S Wakelet failed me.  If you know of another app to put Twitter post collections into WordPress, please share in the comments.

Bourbon

A short rant from my personal journal, December 31, 2017, edited to resemble English.

My brother gave me “The Whisky Enthusiast” sample box for Christmas. The box contains a bottle of Johnnie Walker Red scotch, Crown Royal Canadian whisky, and Bulleit bourbon. I poured myself a little drink before I started journaling today. I didn’t want to open the Crown, and my hands were too dry to get the scotch open, so, I went with the bourbon.

I read a couple of websites about Scotch and bourbon, mostly about how to drink it. To be honest, the most I’ve ever done with whisky is shots, and those went so fast, I never learned to appreciate the flavor. If there was any.  All I knew was the burn. So, bourbon it was.

cold-light-alcohol-glass.jpg

I knew “neat” meant straight, room temperature, and “on the rocks” meant over ice. On the rocks didn’t seem like a clever idea if I wanted to try to find the flavor, with all that ice melting. Then I read about adding a little water. Enthusiasts seem to like this preparation, at least on the 2 websites I read, so I decided to give it a try. From what I understand, the water helps reduce some unwanted flavors that can come with wood aged liquors and enhances wanted flavors. Apparently, I’m an enthusiast, at least according to the box, so I put a little water in a rocks glass, and 2 fingers of the Bulleit bourbon.

I like the idea fingers, plenty of opportunities for humor with the finger concept. Of course, it depends on the audience. If a dude asks for 2 fingers, I can just flip him a double bird. Lots of laughs. “I’m telling you, Jerry, it’s the best Jerry, the best!” Have I mentioned ever mentioned I like Seinfeld?

So far, I’ve only had a few sips. My tongue and belly have a nice warmth going on. I probably still have half of the to drink to go. Where was I?  Ah, yes.

Fingers. Some good comedy potential if other dudes are involved, but comedy goes out the window in the ladies are involved, although there is still a lot of potential. ” May offer you 2 fingers?” and hold the bottle up for her to see. I’m no expert, but, I think you’ll know right away if the conversation is worth pursuing after that move. Of course, you could get slapped. At least you tried.

It’s the 21st century — no reason the woman can’t be the pursuer. “You gotta couple of fingers for thirst girl?” Give her a quick once over, and you either grab the bottle, or flip her a bird. At least she doesn’t have to worry about being slapped. Yeah, that’s wrong. Chances are you’ll be grabbing a bottle. No flipping or slapping, unless you’re a douche. And if you are a douche, chances are people know it already, and you don’t have to worry about making decisions about buying a girl a drink or flipping her off.

I think I just found some of the attitude and general outlook on life for one of my characters.

The Best Cat Ever: Nuggy the Christmas Kitty, Part 2

Nuggy: Sept 1998 – June 16, 2017

Nuggy enjoyed Christmas Time.

I know, I mentioned that before, but it’s a good opening. Having already talked about cats at the first Christmas, I’m reusing the opening to talk about our first Christmas with Nuggy.

It was 1999, and my wife and I had just bought our first house that August.  Nuggy moved in during September. Before getting too far into the holiday season, we found out we were going to have our first child.

Then the real fun began.

We told my mom and Christine’s parents we were expecting. Then the rest of the relatives. My brother and his wife just told us the week before they were expecting, also.

One day I came home from work, and Christine told me we had to get rid of Nuggy. Continue reading

The Best Cat Ever: Nuggy the Christmas Kitty, part 1

Nuggy: Sept. 1998 — June 16th, 2017

Nuggy enjoyed Christmas time. I’m not sure if he had any strong religious beliefs, but what do I know?  During the season, he would curl up by the nativity scene under the tree often enough, maybe he did.

A long winters nap, to dream of that first Christmas Eve. Most Nativity scenes don’t show them, but I’m willing to bet there were at least a couple of cats present that night. The innkeeper needed them to keep the mouse population under control.

The cats took a break from their nightly hunting duties to check out all the commotion. They rubbed against the legs of a little boy playing a drum, an action immortalized by the lyric “Purr” rum pum pum pum. Then, the cats and made their way to the manger, darting in a zig-zag pattern to avoid being stepped on by camels. Finally at the manger, the cats stretched two paws on the side for a peek at Baby Jesus. He smiled and cooed at them. The cats purred and entertained the lad with the hypnotizing movements of their tails. Then, with a twitch of their ears, they ran off to resume their hunting duties, having already lost interest in the child.

It could’ve happened. Egypt wasn’t that far away, and they worshiped cats.